How to Support a Loved One After Trauma

When someone you love experiences violent crime, you become part of their recovery whether you feel prepared or not. Your presence, words, and actions can profoundly influence their healing. But helping a trauma survivor is not intuitive. Many well-meaning supporters accidentally say or do things that cause additional harm.

This guide offers practical guidance for supporting someone after trauma. The principles apply whether your loved one survived assault, witnessed violence, lost someone to murder, or experienced another form of violent crime.

Understanding Secondary Trauma

Before focusing on your loved one, recognize that supporting a trauma survivor affects you too. Secondary trauma, sometimes called vicarious trauma, occurs when exposure to another person’s traumatic experience causes distress in the supporter.

You may experience intrusive thoughts about what happened to your loved one. You may feel anxious, sad, or angry. You may have trouble sleeping or concentrating. These responses are normal. They do not mean you are weak or self-centered.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is necessary. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Seek your own support through friends, family, or professional counseling. Maintain activities that restore your energy. Set boundaries when you need them.

What Survivors Need

Every survivor is different, but certain needs appear consistently.

Safety

After trauma, the world feels dangerous. Survivors need to feel safe before they can begin processing what happened. This means physical safety (secure locks, reliable transportation, freedom from the perpetrator) and emotional safety (predictable routines, trustworthy relationships, environments free from triggers when possible).

Ask your loved one what would help them feel safer. The answer might surprise you. It could be something practical like installing better locks or something emotional like knowing you will answer the phone whenever they call.

Belief

Survivors desperately need to be believed. Disbelief from loved ones compounds trauma in devastating ways. When your loved one tells you what happened, believe them. Do not question details, suggest alternative explanations, or express doubt.

This does not mean you must believe every detail is perfectly accurate. Traumatic memory is often fragmented and may contain inconsistencies. Believing someone means accepting that something terrible happened to them and that their experience is real and valid.

Control

Violent crime strips survivors of control over their bodies, environments, and lives. Recovery involves reclaiming agency. Support this by letting your loved one make decisions whenever possible.

Ask rather than assume. “Would you like me to stay tonight?” rather than announcing you are staying. “Do you want to talk about it?” rather than pushing for details. “What sounds good for dinner?” rather than deciding for them. These small choices help rebuild the sense of control that trauma destroyed.

Patience

Trauma recovery is not linear. Survivors may seem fine for weeks, then suddenly struggle. Anniversaries, news stories, random sensory triggers, and countless other factors can reactivate symptoms. This is normal, not a sign of failure.

Your patience tells your loved one that their timeline is acceptable. Pressure to “get over it” or “move on” communicates that their pain is inconvenient to you. Recovery takes as long as it takes.

What to Say

Words matter. Choose them carefully.

Helpful Statements

“I believe you.” These three words carry enormous weight. Say them early and mean them.

“I am so sorry this happened to you.” Simple acknowledgment of the wrong done to them validates their experience.

“This was not your fault.” Survivors often blame themselves, even when logic says otherwise. Repeated reminders that the perpetrator bears responsibility can help counter self-blame.

“I am here for you.” Specific offers are even better: “I am here to listen whenever you want to talk” or “I am here to sit with you when you do not want to talk.”

“What do you need right now?” This question empowers the survivor to identify and communicate their needs.

Harmful Statements

“Everything happens for a reason.” Trauma is not a lesson or a gift. This statement minimizes suffering.

“At least you survived” or “At least it was not worse.” Comparative statements invalidate the actual experience. Every trauma is valid regardless of what could have been worse.

“I know exactly how you feel.” You do not. Even if you survived similar trauma, your experience differs from theirs.

“You need to report this to police” or “You need to go to therapy.” Directives about what the survivor should do take away their agency. Offer options and support their choices, even if you disagree.

“Why did you go there?” or “Why did you not fight back?” Questions that imply the survivor could have prevented the crime reinforce self-blame. There is never a good reason to ask these questions.

What to Do

Actions often communicate support better than words.

Be Present

Physical presence matters. Sit with your loved one even when neither of you is talking. Watch television together. Take walks. Drive them to appointments. Your quiet company communicates safety and care.

Listen Without Fixing

When your loved one wants to talk about their experience, listen. Do not interrupt with questions, advice, or your own reactions. Let them share at their own pace. Reflect back what you hear: “That sounds incredibly frightening” or “No wonder you feel angry.”

The urge to fix is natural but often counterproductive. Survivors usually do not need solutions. They need witnesses to their pain.

Maintain Normalcy

Trauma disrupts normal life. Helping maintain routines provides stability. This might mean handling household tasks, continuing regular activities together, or simply treating your loved one as the same person they were before.

Do not let the trauma become the only topic of conversation. Talk about ordinary things. Laugh when appropriate. Your loved one is more than their worst experience.

Respect Boundaries

Survivors may suddenly need space or become uncomfortable with physical touch. These changes are trauma responses, not personal rejections. Respect whatever boundaries they set without taking offense.

Ask before hugging. Knock before entering rooms. Give them privacy when requested. These small courtesies communicate respect for their autonomy.

Professional Help

Supporting a trauma survivor does not mean being their only support. Professional treatment can make an enormous difference.

If your loved one is not already connected with a therapist, you can offer to help them find one. Research options together. Offer to make the first appointment call if that feels overwhelming for them. Offer transportation to sessions.

Do not force professional help. The decision to seek therapy must be theirs. Pressure can backfire, making them feel controlled rather than supported.

If you are concerned about their immediate safety due to suicidal thoughts or self-harm, that changes the calculation. In a genuine crisis, you may need to act even without their agreement by calling 988 or taking them to an emergency room.

Long-Term Support

Trauma recovery often takes years. The acute crisis passes, but the work continues. Supporters sometimes withdraw as time goes on, assuming the survivor no longer needs them. This withdrawal can feel like abandonment.

Continue checking in long after the initial event. Remember difficult dates like anniversaries. Ask how they are doing in ways that invite honest answers. Let them know you still care even when the crisis has faded from others’ memories.

Your sustained support tells your loved one that they are not alone in this long process. That message matters more than you know.

A Final Word

Supporting a trauma survivor is one of the most important things you can do for someone you love. It is also exhausting, confusing, and sometimes painful. Give yourself grace for imperfect efforts.

Your loved one does not need you to be perfect. They need you to be present, patient, and persistent. They need you to believe them, support their choices, and stay connected through the long process of healing.

The darkness of trauma is heavy. But it is lighter when carried together.

Written by Jenny Montoya M.A. Forensic Psychology

For additional support resources, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.